Shatter
by bgharison
Summary: Someone as strong as you isn't going to break down. You're going to hold on so tight that you shatter completely.


It was inevitable. He knew it.

He watched her closely, wondering when it would happen. No one walks away from a deep cover assignment gone bad, from nearly dying, without consequences. After she had been released from the hospital, Danny and Chin breathed a collective sigh of relief; if they didn't quite buy her cheerful act, they at least played along.

Steve didn't bother to play along. He just kept watching: observant, patient, silent. Sometimes she would catch him, out of the corner of her eye.

"What?" she asked once, irritated.

"Good job today, Kono," he said quietly. It threw her off. She shrugged.

"Thanks,Boss."

"Go home, get some sleep."

"Right."

* * *

The circles under her eyes got darker, her smile more forced. Chin took a shot at it – he was her cousin, after all, her favorite. Standing across the computer table from her, he tried slipping it in between conversations about bank records and search warrants.

"Kono, what's wrong? You're so quiet."

"I'm fine, cuz, just confused about this statement. Something doesn't add up." She smiled. It didn't reach her eyes.

Steve observed the exchange from his office. Kono pretended not to feel his eyes on her, watching.

The bank records and search warrants led them to the person desperate enough to resort to arson to try to cover their embezzlement. Granted, not one of their most exciting cases, but that didn't explain why Kono literally fell asleep at her desk filling out her reports.

Danny woke her up with a gentle shake to her shoulder. "Kono. Kono? Wake up."

He wasn't ready, almost didn't dodge the wild, unfocused punch. "Whoa, babe. It's just me. You okay?" His blue eyes were filled with concern.

Kono laughed it off. "Sorry, brah, I should know better than to go out for drinks in the middle of a case. You guys must be wearing off on me – can't party like the old days, I guess."

"Let me drive you home, then, okay?"

"Thanks, Danny, but I've got it. Really, I'm good."

Neither of them had noticed Steve standing quietly in the doorway. "Let Danny drive you, Kono. One of us will pick you up on the way in tomorrow; no sense risking falling asleep behind the wheel. I'm already in trouble with the governor for the damage we caused today."

"You caused, you Neanderthal," Danny interjected. Kono pretended to ignore the silent signals between the two of them.

 _You got this?_

 _Yeah, I got it._

* * *

Danny picked her up again the next morning, after grabbing a box of malasadas from her favorite bakery. Steve watched as she politely took one when they got into her office.

He checked. It was still sitting on her desk when they got called out a few hours later.

"Kono, you're with me," Steve said, as they holstered their weapons and put on their vests. She ignored the quick glance between Chin and Danny and followed Steve.

It was a solid lead on a shipment of drugs coming in. They had the dealers in cuffs and Steve had already tossed off his customary, "Book 'em, Danno," when Kono heard the muffled sounds coming from the cargo container.

"I've got movement."

It happened the moment they flung open the cargo container and found the girls; terrified, drugged, handcuffed to the side of the container. Steve saw it in her eyes, the panic as she realized that the sheer force of her will in compartmentalizing was not going to hold up under the onslaught of memory and emotion.

 _Here we go_ , Steve thought.

"Chin, you and Danny throw these guys in a hole, let HPD deal with them. Get HHS in here to take care of these girls. I'm getting Kono out of here," Steve said, as he gently took Kono's gun out of her hand, thumbed the safety back on, and stowed it in the waist of his cargo pants.

Chin studied Kono for a brief moment. She looked . . . off. "Cuz? You okay?"

Kono flinched, turned confused and unfocused eyes toward Chin.

Steve gave Chin's shoulder a quick squeeze. "She's not. I've got her, Chin. We'll be at my place. Bring her go-bag out of her car by later, would you?"

Chin nodded, kissed Kono quickly on the cheek. "Go. We've got this."

* * *

She shuffled toward Steve's truck, his hand gentle and warm on the small of her back, guiding her. She offered no protest as he gently bundled her into the passenger seat. Her hands were shaking too badly to fasten her seatbelt, but the grin and wink that Steve tossed her way as he did it for her diffused her embarrassment.

He slid into the driver's seat and she was vaguely aware that he was driving fast, lights flashing.

She wondered briefly why they were driving so fast and why Steve kept looking at her. She didn't realize she had started to hyperventilate until she heard him coaching her, his voice cutting through the edge of panic.

"Kono. Listen to me, okay? It's okay. Slow, deep breaths. We're almost home."

Steve pulled the Silverado into the driveway and threw it into park. The keys were out of the ignition and into his pocket and he was opening Kono's door before she even realized they had stopped. She had managed to slow her breathing some, but her heart was racing and she was having trouble collecting her thoughts.

She flinched at Steve's hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, "I'm just . . . I'm not sure what . . . "

"Unh uh, you don't apologize, Kono," he answered. "Not for anything. Let's go sit out back, yeah?"

Kono nodded. She loved the view of the water from Steve's back yard.

"Okay, easy does it," he said, making sure that she was fully aware it was him that was reaching for her hand and helping her out of the truck.

Kono chuffed in frustration. She'd jumped in and out of this truck a million times. _What the hell is wrong with me?_

She didn't realize she had said it out loud until Steve answered.

"Kono," he began, somewhat hesitantly, "after the trafficking ring op, after you got out of the hospital, you had to get cleared by psych, right?"

"Ye-es," she said slowly.

"Okay, did they talk to you about flashbacks? Panic attacks?"

"Yes, but I haven't had any problems," she answered quickly. "I've been fine."

"Right . . .," Steve said slowly, "until . . . "

"Until what?" She was getting indignant.

"Until today," Steve prompted gently.

"I – oh. That's what . . . ?"

He nodded, his hand once again warm and comforting at her back, guiding her gently to the chairs.

* * *

"Tea?" Kono wrinkled her nose. "I'd rather have a Longboard, boss."

"Nope," Steve grinned.

Kono fidgeted in the chair. "Not that I don't appreciate the afternoon off admiring the view, but really, I'm fine. Let's get back to work."

Steve shook his head and kicked back in his chair. "Nope."

"What, we're just going to sit here? What are you doing, waiting for me to have some kind of break down? I am holding it together, damn it, I am not some shrinking violet. Okay, maybe I got a little rattled at the dock today but I am fine. I'm not going to have some sort of mental breakdown. Or is that what you want, Steve, to wait around so you can watch me break down?"

She was completely unaware of the tear tracking down her cheek until he gently brushed it away.

"Honestly, Kono? Someone as strong as you isn't going to break down. You're going to hold on so tight that you shatter completely."

She stared at him, speechless.

"Kono, I know," he said simply. She thought she understood what he was saying.

"I know, boss, you've been through even worse . . . Afghanistan, North Korea . . . Wo Fat." She knew that he had been captured . . . tortured. His injuries had been even more severe than her own; she knew, because she had been with him in the hospital, hung out with him watching movies and puttering around his house when he was going stir crazy with boredom before he could return to the office. She'd woken him from nightmares and willingly taken more than one hit for her troubles.

He shook his head, and gently cupped her face with his big hand, his eyes locking onto hers.

"No, Kono. _I know_."

"You . . . oh God, Steve." Realization hit her like a tidal wave. Now she understood. "You . . . when?" Heartbroken. "You didn't tell us? But when . . . who . . . " Kono thought she might be sick.

He sighed. "It's classified. And I've never told anyone, until now. Because I don't want you to keep thinking that we can't understand . . . that none of us know what it is that you've been through. But more importantly, Kono, because I want you to know that you will get through this. Because you're strong, and you're amazing, and you're not alone. I want you to know that it's okay to feel whatever the hell it is you want to feel at any given moment. And I want you to know, without a doubt, that you have a safe place to cry, to scream, to punch something . . . hell, punch me if it makes you feel better. Whatever you need, I want you to know that you can find it here."

Steve cleared his throat and glanced away, the intensity of Kono's gaze had become too much. His hand moved away from her face and clenched into a fist as he struggled to maintain his composure. Maybe this was a bad idea.

He felt her hand, trembling slightly, as she cupped his face and pulled his eyes back to her own.

"Did you kill them?" she asked, quietly.

Was she asking about her attackers, or his? Didn't matter - the answer was the same.

"Yes."

"Good." She nodded once.

"Kono, when we found you . . . you were unconscious. But we could see the bruises . . . we knew. I've never seen Chin like that. Danny . . . he picked you up, and then held out his hands for our badges. We gave him our badges, Kono, and he took you to the ambulance. He walked away and he didn't look back and he never asked."

Kono's eyes glittered dangerous and dark. She wasn't going to ask, either. She didn't need to.

"Whatever I need, boss?"

"Name it."

"I want to swim. I want to swim until I can't move, and you have to tow me in, and until I'm so tired I can't remember my name. And then I want to sleep. Without seeing their faces, without feeling . . ."

Steve nodded. He understood, as only someone with their passionate relationship with the ocean would understand. As only someone who had felt what she was feeling this very moment would understand.

"Right behind you, Water Woman."

Kono smiled, remembering the day that Chin had introduced her to Steve. He remembered, too.

"Kono, I'm so sorry. I promised you that we would protect you . . . I'm sorry."

She shook her head emphatically. "You promised that you would be there for me. And that you would do your best. No regrets, boss."

* * *

It was around 2 am when he heard her slip quietly from his sofa and head out the back door toward the water. He put on a pot of coffee and then stood on the lanai, watching from a distance. When her voice was hoarse from the screaming and the cursing gave way to sobs, he crossed the distance between them and gently wrapped her in his arms and held on tight until the shaking subsided.

He brushed her hair out of her face and thumbed the tears away from her cheeks.

"Come on, let's see if I made a decent pot of coffee for a change," he said. "If not, you'll have to start over for me."

Kono gave him an exhausted but genuine smile. "Your coffee is crap, boss."

Steve grinned as she squared her shoulders and walked back toward the house, and when she slipped her small hand in his, he held on tight.


End file.
